Seeker

still looking for the TRUTH:

Five 5%

I went to the RA doctor in September 2018, I was in much pain. The doctor said he would give me a shot of steroid. I told the doctor that I was allergic to steroids. He asked “what do you mean”?

I told him that I go crazy, I want to kill myself, I want to kill others, I want to drive my car into a brick wall. I hate everybody and everything. I want to cry constantly.

I want to drink alcohol even though I am sober 14 years, I am paranoid, believing everyone hates me, everyone is out to hurt me. Steroids screw up my entire thought process.

The doctor tells me that a shot of steroid is not the same as Prednisone or other oral steroids. The doctor states that only 5% of people in clinical study of steroids are allergic.

I respond, “okay, I am one of those 5%”.

The doctor asks, “so have you ever had an injection of steroid.”

“No but I don’t want to take any chances”. The doctor continues, “so you studied to be a doctor and know all about medicine as I have”? And you are questioning my ability as your doctor”?

“No” I said.

I accept the shot of steroid out of shame and humiliation. Over the next 5 months I was absolutely insane, I was crazy, I wanted to kill myself, I want to kill others, I want to drive my car into a brick wall. I wanted to drink alcohol. I hated everybody and everything. I wanted to cry and sob constantly. I was paranoid, believing everyone hated me, everyone was out to hurt me. Steroids screwed up my entire thought process.

I didn’t realize my mental problems until my mindset returned to normal processing of life which took over 5 months. I went to see my RA doctor and he insisted I take another steroid shot. I said hell no and stuck to my self-knowledge.

I allowed a Doctor to humiliate me into accepting something I knew could have tragic results for me. I am to blame. No human on earth knows my body and being better than I do.

 “NO MORE” is tattooed across my heart.

Now for me, I realize that being gay is the same as the 5% bullshit the doctor pulled on me.

I am one of the 5% who is gay. I know who and what I am, I know what my God wants and expects of me. I experience hate and hurt by those who claim to know what being gay is and is not. I know that I was born gay. 
But the Christians known to me as born again, or demigods have told me my entire life that I don’t know what I am talking about or experiencing. Demigods have told me that my life being gay is a lie and a sin. Many times, in my life I have believed that thoughtless, ignorant, demigods know more about me than I do. I hid most of my life, and to be part of society in the 1990’s, I gave up everything of importance to me, my job, my house and my partner. For the demigod’s lies.

I was told by my pastor, to follow Exodus International for reparative therapy, so God would make me straight. God told me personally, “He cannot change a leopard’s spots”. My pastor said I misunderstood God’s words and that “He, God, would not change a leopard’s spots”. 

Why did I listen to the pastor and not God? Because, while I did not want to be the same as the demigods, I wanted to be accepted by mankind in general. I didn’t want to be different from, either. I was a fool, I am one who belongs to the 5% of good, honest, loving humans.

The reality is that I know who I am and what the One true God does and does not do, can and cannot do in my life. No self- righteous human hiding behind God, calling themselves Christian, simply demigods, know anything about my being. It has taken me a lifetime to say “NO MORE”, to the real fools, the Christian demigods, who pretend to know about God, or what God wants in the being of others.

 I believe in One God, The God of pure love, love for love sake only. I believe that God expects absolutely nothing in return for His love.

If there are more than one God, the other God is the God of fear and hate. Like the Christians, the demigods, the God of fear is wanting and expecting something in return for their acceptance. Written between two Angels wings are the words “NO MORE” tattooed across my heart, so that every morning when I look at my reflection in the mirror, I will never forget the reality of the mistakes I made in my past. © Tarl M Jespersen

Link to my story at www.tarljespersen.com  the "Reluctant Queer".